Review: Biutiful

Biutiful (15)

Director: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

Cast: Javier Bardem, Maricel Alvarez

Director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel, 21 Grams, Amores Perros), has a penchant for intimate portrayals of strangers thrown together by tragedy, finding redemption in the midst of extraordinary circumstances. In a reversal of formula, Biutiful is instead the battle of one man, Uxbal, his desperation to regain the threads of a life rapidly unravelling before him, and the dawning comprehension that his time is bitterly short.

If it sounds like hard work - it is. What emerges is almost two and a half hours of unrelenting gloom, conjuring a distinct sense of drowning in the emotional upheaval, gasping for some kind of relief from the overwhelming melancholy.

There are very few rays of sunshine to be found here. Despite Bardem’s most valiant and admittedly brilliant efforts, it is perhaps inevitable that the general consensus upon emerging from the cinema would be - “I'm tired. I need a coffee.”

Rating: 2/5

Ultimate Bondometer: Dr No (part of Blogalongabond)

Dr No (1962)
Director: Terence Young
Cast: Sean Connery, Ursula Andress

And so Blogalongabond begins. Many have tried, and many have failed, to put the Bond franchise into some kind of meaningful hierarchy. If you always wanted to know where your favourite Bond actually scientifically ranks in the grand 22 007 films thus far, then look no further.

So, without further ado, Dr No may be the first Bond, but is it definitive Bond?

Gadgets: 2/10

Distinctly lacking! Mr Bond is truly a man relying on his own wit and instinct in his first outing, with his only real aide being the now infamous Walther PPK, with a "delivery like a brick through a glass window".

Henchman: 2/10

Professor Dent: Honestly - useless. Ironically he barely makes a dent (hey! hey!) on the plot, his best plan to kill Bond being a lethargic spider. Ultimately his doom is down to never having watched Dirty Harry (that's a deep one that is).

Evil mastermind: 5/10

Dr No: Despite only appearing onscreen for about 12 seconds, Mr Dr No is an intimidating and threatening character throughout. However, he is let down by a poor dastardly plan with vague ambitions to ruin America's space programme, and a mechanical hand which never once is used to crush a man's skull.

Girl: 9/10

Well of COURSE there is THAT scene. Of COURSE she is very beautiful. Of COURSE I want to buy my wife that bikini. BUT...um...I 've run out of arguments. Andress is iconic, beautiful and resourceful, the only reason she loses a mark is that not ONCE does she scream. Disappointing.

One Liner: 10/10

"Bond, James Bond" - the quote that launched a thousand pick up lines, it's the stuff of legend and, as such deserves no less than to be ranked as one of the greatest one-liners of all time. (In related news, it would seem that to be an actual hero, the initials J.B. are important. Observe - Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, Jesus of Bethlehem etc)

Awesome Kill:3/10

Worst final fight in the history of Bond films but the ultimate death of Dr No is noteworthy at least because he is left to die in water - water made awesome by becoming a bubbling mass of nuclear energy (i think).

Crazy, mental stunt: 1/10

Um, hiding underwater with reeds?

Credits: 7/10

Major points for the John Barry score being used. Minus points for the use of coloured circles as effects. However, ultimate plus points for the introduction of the infamous female silhouettes dancing.

Mode of Transportation: 3/10

Sunbeam Alpine:
I know, hardly an Aston Martin is it:
"What are you driving there, Mr Cold, Hard Bad-ass Assassin Spy Man?"
"Uh, a Sunbeam".
Hm...


Sicklist Rating: 7/10

Certainly not the most dynamic or exciting, Dr No is more a detective story with odd moments of fairly controlled actions set pieces. However, there are enough legendary firsts and impressive character quirks to whet the appetite for what is to come.

Bondometer Total:

49/100

The Green Hornet 3D (12A)

The Green Hornet 3D (12A)

Release: Out Now

Director: Michel Gondry

Cast: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cristoph Waltz, Cameron Diaz

Leaving the corporate studio evil of retrofitting aside, 3D can add real depth to a film. However, The Green Hornet 3D (note, 3D is compulsory) uses the technology to no greater effect than to show two bottle tops soar across the screen (seriously). The only thing this 3D adds to the viewing experience is £3.00.

That said, even the most underused third dimension can be forgiven if the film’s content is worth the extra expenditure.

It’s not.

Crucially, the central protagonist, Britt Reid / The Green Hornet (Rogen) is wholly unlikeable, spending most of his time shouting and trying to bully us into believing he is a lead man. The script is more 2D than the 3D, with dire dialogue, muddy motivations and a criminal underwriting of a support cast who should have had far more impact. Stale after half an hour, Kick Ass covered the same ground but did it 3 stars better.

Rating: 2/5

BlogalongaBond The Sicklist Bondometer

Last week, the new Bond film was announced for release in November 2011. The incredibly astute and oh mighty leader of BondalongaBlog, IncredibleSuit, hit upon a splendid idea to review a 007 film each month in the lead-up to the latest installment being released (it's 22 months and there are 22 films, you see?). Being a big fan of 007, I decided to join in.

As far as I can see there has never been an adequate system for ordering the films from best to worst, as James Bond films are notoriously subjective in their appeal. Therefore, I have come up with, what I believe, will be the definitive standard by which all films in the canon will be measured.

Ladies and gentlemen...I give you The Sicklist Bondometer.

The Bondometer takes what would be recognised as the essential elements of Bond, and gives each a rating out of 10, (with the exception of the kill count, which is a simple addition process of addition):

Evil mastermind: The dastardliness of the scheme and fiendishness of character.
Henchman/woman: How memorable they are or how unique their special ability/disability.
Gadgets: How useful, and future-proof, they turned out to be.
Girl: A Bond girl must be rated on their looks, their ability to get in the way, and their scream (NB, while most films have Bond sleeping with a handful of women, this is a family site and so will focus on the one he ends the film with - we can at least then assume he will be in a committed relationship until the next film).
One Liner: Quotability, political incisiveness and cheese factor (except, not political incisiveness).
Usage of Q and/or Moneypenny: Q and Moneypenny are as much a part of Bond folklore as Martinis and Aston Martins (they also provide the best scenes).
Kill Count: A counting, or approximate estimation - looking at you Thunderball - of how many kills Bond accomplishes (must be by his own hand).
Crazy, mental stunt: How cool the films coolest stunt is (can include the pre-credits scene).
Credits: Rated on both the song and the visuals.
Sicklist rating: The classic sicklist system of how much better the film will make you feel.

Bond...James Bond: A mark will be deducted for every 10mins of the film before this hallowed line is uttered.

These results will then be added to give a final score, finally answering conclusively the age-old question of which is the best Bond film.

I hope you enjoy the next 22 months as much as I will.

Top 5 reasons why Toy Story 3 is not a 5* film

When Toy Story 3 was released last year, i didn't get to see it. I was sad.

Imagine my distress when it seemed to occupy the Top 3 of almost every Best Of 2010 list!
Therefore, I made a commitment to see it as soon as possible on DVD. I was excited.

Last night I watched Toy Story 3 for the first time. I was mildly disappointed.

I made the following Twitter statement: "@Alibianchi: Toy Story 3 - not the classic I was led to believe."

This innocuous opinion is apparently heresy, and resulted in a torrent of fervent dismissal and horror. I was sad again.

As such, I have decided to explain why I believe it's not as good as you think it is. Please don't lynch me:

1 - It's not that funny.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the key things I look for in a CARTOON (private jk) is to laugh at a series of mad-cap japes that could not possibly be accomplished in live-action. Bar a couple of great, and admittedly clever ideas - the Great Escape parody, an insecure Ken - TS3 is just not that funny. I laughed more in Megamind and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and actually, Toy Story 2.

2 - Its a re-tread!
Plot: Toy gets separated from the group, toy tries to find group, pesky kids and evil toys get in the way, some kind of contrived escape effort ensues, toys ponder philosophically on what it means to be a toy and find one's place in a world that no longer needs toys. (thanks to @adamhopelies for clarifying this point).

3 - Poor character development.
TS3 completely relies on the previous films to find emotional connection. Perhaps most unforgivably, the fizzing chemistry between Hank's Buzz and Allen's Woody, a highlight of the previous outings, is almost completely missing as the two spend most of the film separated.

4 - Emotional blackmail.
Much has been made of the emotive heft of the final scenes. Admittedly, yes I did cry, but consider this:
A - I cried at the end of Free Willy!
B - Remind me of my pet gerbil who died when I was a child and I am going to cry!
My point being, the film plays on universal feelings of loss and nostalgia from childhood to bring about an emotional crescendo which is entirely dislocated from the rest of the adventure - I was more relieved that Woody finally realised what a doosh-bag Andy is! I felt emotionally blackmailed into a response that the film does not warrant (though admittedly, taken in the context of the trilogy, the threads are all there).

5 - Pathos for a pixel
Try as I may, animated films leave me cold. I just cannot care about a pixelated creation, be it a talking car, a talking candlestick, a talking Potato Head or a mute garbage disposal unit. I can appreciate it as a story-telling device, but please, please, please don't ask me to empathise!

Having said all that, it's an enjoyable film, certainly better than 75% of animated features. There are some nice ideas, great characters, and clever visual humour, thrown into a story with energetic pace. A good film, possibly scraping a Top 20 of 2010, but certainly not Top 3!

(And, in case you were wondering, I would rate the films from best to worst as TS1 / TS3 / TS2.)

Review: The King's Speech

The King's Speech - (12A)

Director: Tom Hooper
Cast: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

50 years old is generally considered to be a time when an actor considers more background roles, perhaps as the father to a young starlet, or the wise mentor to a heroic action figure. Not so for Colin Firth! After years of dancing around the edge of the limelight, and despite his iconic turn as Mr Darcy - the one your wife, mum and Grandmum all fancy - Mr Firth has seemed doomed to never be a leading man. That is, until now, his 50th birthday, and the release of the critically acclaimed A Single Man, propelling our thoroughly English gentleman to the top of many Director's go-to lists.

The King's Speech promises to solidify this status, as Firth encapsulates perfectly the thoroughly English true story of King George VI, the stammering king who is reluctantly thrown into power on the eve of war, after his brother abdicates the throne to marry a divorced woman (tisk tisk). Trained in elocution by the equally wonderful Geoffrey Rush, it is the inspiring and deeply relatable struggle of one man overcoming his inner-demons to be the king his nation needs him to be.

The opening scene, as Firth stands before a crowd, his microphone booming every floundering failure of speech, his faithful wife - a muted, but well-judged performance from the not-always thoroughly English Helena Bonham Carter - watching on in agony and empathy, is perfectly paralleled by the soaring triumph of the final act. The nuances and depth that Firth discovers in such a tragically isolated and emotionally stunted character, ensure that every expression, every stumbled verb, and every glorious outburst of anger, have the impact of a thousand, more traditionally rousing, eloquent discourses.

The King's Speech stands apart from the classic period drama in both it's exceptional casting (Timothy Spall's Churchill is the only duff note in the film, seeming to be more at place in a pantomime) and it's effortless blend of elegant story telling and humor, with one key, and deeply moving scene, featuring swearing that even the most censorious will revel in. Rarely has a film personified such an inspiring central tale of glorious overcoming, alongside a wealth of rich, fully-developed supporting characters.

And of course, it is thoroughly English, which can never be a bad thing.

Rating: 5/5

DVD Micro-Review: Iron Man 2

In brief: Man in metal suit hits other men/not-men in metal suits, pretty girl does flips and kicks goons, Robert Downey Jr gurns and swaggers, shameless teaser for the Marvel masterplan.

See it if you liked: Iron Man, The Man in the Iron Mask, Full Metal Jacket.

Review: No brainer, but who needs a brain when its so much fun? Static mid-section, but generally a lorra lorra laughs and a salivating prospect for the next few years of Marvel comic epicness.

Best bit: Mickey Rourke with electric tentacles slicing up Downey Jr's car, followed by the old suit in a bag trick.

Rating: 3/5

The Next Three Days Review

The Next Three Days – (12A)

Released: 7th January 2011

Director: Paul Haggis
Cast: Russell Crowe, Elizabeth Banks

Russell Crowe needs a career lift. After the lukewarm reception given to Robin Hood, his fifth collaborative effort with Ridley Scott, and a series of respectable but forgettable performances, the former gladiator certainly has something to prove.

Thankfully, The Next Three Days sees Crowe at the best he has been since A Beautiful Mind. Written and directed by Paul Haggis, the scripting talent behind Crash and Casino Royale, it is a well paced and intense thriller. Crowe is excellent as teacher, John Brennan, who is willing to risk everything to save the wife that he believes is wrongly accused of murder. Even if the end result is never really in question, the single-minded determination and desperation of Brennan is always involving.

With clever dialogue, twisted reveals and empathic characters, The Next Three Days is a focus on how far a person’s passion will take them in order to save the person they love.

Rating: 4/5

5 is the new 10 for 2011

After careful deliberation and much soul searching I have decided to change my film-rating system to 5/5 rather than 10/10. Before your cries for my blood and accusations of "sell-out", consider my 3-fold reasons:

1 - 10 is rather unwieldy and confusing. The differences between a 6 and 7 are fairly indistinguishable. Plus, I rarely have the heart to give a film below a 3, even a film as epically dire as Skyline, though I would willingly give it a 1 out of 5. Such is the underestimated complexity of film reviewing!

2 - For a film to receive 10/10, in
my head it must be the kind of film that only Jesus himself could have made. On the other hand, there are a number of films that would be worthy of a 5, though they would still require an impressive Moses-like effort.

3 - Empire magazine scores out of 5 and I want them to like me.